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I owe you an apology.  Yes you.

To the guy in the ugly yellow windbreaker at the back of aisle 13.
The one who just stood on his tiptoes, glanced in my direction, saying NOTHING, and then proceeded to snap his fingers at me, and pointed in some vague direction like I was supposed to FOLLOW HIM TO another aisle.  Or maybe I was supposed MEET HIM ON the other aisle?  Who knows!

Unfortunately “Snappy”, I never made it to our previously arranged rendezvous on the other aisle.

I got stopped by another customer.  A customer who uses words.  Syllables and sentences.  Prepositional phrases.  Fully and correctly conjugated verbs.  A customer who had manners enough to say things like, “Hello.”, “Do you know where the drill bits are?”, etc.

To “Snappy” in the yellow windbreaker.  I apologize.  I sincerely hope that you found the item we you were looking for.  However, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot.  Perhaps it was a communication issue.  Before we go any further, I would like to clear the air.  Just so there’s no misunderstandings.

I’m not your hooker.
I’m not your disobedient brat of a kid.
And I’m not the puppy that just took a dump on your favorite Cashmere sweater.

In fact, I’m normally a pretty nice guy.  As such I feel inclined, out of the kindness of my heart, to supply you with a word of caution.

The next time you snap your fingers at me, there’s about an 86.4% chance that all ten of your pasty white, manicured fingers get FedExed to ten different zip codes.  I’m talking cleanup on aisle 15 please!

Seriously how is it possible for a person to be that completely insulting and condescending without saying a single word?  Seriously!

President Obama, why don’t you leave minimum wage exactly where it’s at.

Instead I think you should pass legislation that states if a person ever udders the phrase “the customer is always right”, they’re automatically sentenced to one year working in a retail environment.  WITH CUSTOMERS!!!  Deal with them for eight hours straight and then come at me with that “the customer is always right” BUSHWAH.  The customer is NOT always right.  About 42% of the time, the customer is a MORON!

My name is Jonathan Turrell, and that’s my two cents.