As the temperature rises, apparently so does the inexplicable need to reveal an inordinate amount of skin.  And I totally get it girls.  It’s hot outside.  You’ve returned from Spring Break in Cancun, or where I live more likely Panama City, and you want to show off the golden tan you worked so hard to perfect while you should have been studying for finals.  Totally understandable.

And I’m a guy.  I admit it.  I like legs as much as the next guy.  I’m normally the LAST person to complain about short shorts, but “ladies” (and I use that term in the loosest sense of the word), it’s getting a little preposterous.

Allow me, as a guy, to share three very real, very traumatic visual experiences from today.  I do this with only the smallest hint of sarcasm, but rest assured this rant isn’t for entertainment purposes.  It’s educational by nature.  If you listen closely to my three experiences, you’ll find three SUREFIRE, TIME PROVEN ways to tell if the shorts you’re wearing are indeed too short.

1) If your belly button hangs lower than the bottom of your shorts.

I’m sorry, but if you’re THAT out of shape you have no business wearing anything shorter than capris anyways.  Period.  End of discussion.

2) If I can actually see panties (?) or bathing suit bottom (?) hanging out of the bottom of your shorts.

Yes.  I’m talking to you in the pink boy shorts.  I know the boy shorts are confusing because they hang lower than your normal g-string.  But your shorts should still cover that nonsense.  Besides, nothing says sexy like an out of shape 48 year old trollop dressed like a sorority sister on her way to pajama day, smoking a cig in front of the local laundromat!

3) If your hip pockets hang out the bottom of your shorts.

Aren’t you a classy broad…  It doesn’t matter how nice your legs are, or how dark your tan is, you’re going to the hardware store to pick up a float for your toilet!  If you notice your pocket hanging out the bottom of your shorts blowing in the breeze, PLEASE STAY HOME.

Ladies, I only give you these three examples because I care for you.  And to prove it I’m extending the following offer…

If you find yourself wearing shorts in public, that fit into ANY of these 3 categories please contact me.  I’ll buy you a mirror.

My name is Jonathan Turrell
And that’s my two cents.